Abe Lincoln Facts: Independence Day Edition

In honor of Independence Day, here are some authentic and completely accurate facts about one of the greatest Americans ever; Abraham Lincoln. Happy Independence Day!

Don’t tase me, bro! – Abraham Lincoln

Abe Lincoln American Eagle

Abraham Lincoln Facts:

  • Abe Lincoln’s eye crusties could feed an entire village for 3 months.
  • Abe Lincoln had a tattoo of an eagle eating a bear eating another eagle tattooed across his back.
  • Abe Lincoln always had good cell phone reception.
  • Abe Lincoln once beat an eyelidless man in a staring contest.
  • Abe Lincoln never texted pics of his junk to anyone. He did however send wood burned etchings of his junk to all his enemies in an effort to taunt them.
  • Abe Lincoln was born with a beard and top hat on.
  • Abe Lincoln had unusually high levels of Midi-chlorians in his blood stream.
  • Abe Lincoln’s Xbox Gamertag was LincolnLogged247.
  • Abe Lincoln hated 3D movies. He also hated Budweiser Select.
  • Sliced bread was the best thing since Abe Lincoln.
  • Abe Lincoln read at a 3rd grade level when he was 1.
  • Abe Lincoln filled his top hat with a mix of Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries Cereal and throwing knives.
  • All Mortal Kombat fatalities are based on Abe Lincoln’s 3-year career as a prize fighter.
  • Abe Lincoln once widdled an entire forest into a charming little bedroom ensemble for his doll house.
  • Abe Lincoln’s original name was Metta World Peace.
  • Abe Lincoln’s right nipple was shaped like a peace sign.
  • Abe Lincoln once tried to create his own line of cologne, but quickly became disheartened by low sales and a realization that people didn’t like smelling like hot dogs, human blood, and Cool Ranch Doritos.
  • Abe Lincoln sucked at Angry Birds, but excelled at Angry Badgers.
  • Abe Lincoln had as many NBA titles as LeBron James.
  • Abe Lincoln had trouble understanding English accents, but loved the British version of “The Office” anyway.
  • Abe Lincoln often celebrated Independence Day by drinking cheap beer all day, then burning a pinata after giving a long winded, drunken speech about religion, donkeys, freedom, and pie… a tradition I try to keep alive today.
  • Abe Lincoln could grow an entire Abe beard in 5 minutes flat.
  • Abe Lincoln once changed his name to a symbol that resembled a knife wielding dragon wrapped around a half eaten sandwich. He quickly changed his name back to Abe Lincoln upon realizing how much his name/symbol looked like a elderly man’s nut sack.
  • Abe Lincoln was angered by the season finale of “The Killing.”
  • Abe Lincoln was the 16th President of the United States and the 1st President of the United Federation of Kick Ass.
  • Abe Lincoln trained Team Six.
  • Abe Lincoln never followed Charlie Sheen on Twitter.
  • Abe Lincoln once got into a verbal altercation with Jeremy Piven, but Fredrick Douglas defused the situation by buying everyone shots of jag.
  • The Nike swoosh was based off a shape Abe Lincoln often shaved into his chest hair. Today, people see that symbol and think shoes. In Abe’s day, people saw that symbol and thought “Why is our President giving a speech with his shirt off again?”
  • Abe Lincoln was in negotiations to replace Steve Carrel on “The Office,” but called off contract talks and decided to kill Osama Bin Laden.
  • Abe Lincoln refused to grow a mustache with his beard after a mustache murdered his favorite pony, General One-Eyed Jack.
  • Abe Lincoln began every day by springing from his bed nude, ripping open the curtains draped across his bedroom window, and proclaiming loudly for all to hear, “Freedom kicks ass!” He would then lay on the couch and watch endless hours of reality television.

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