What’s Next For Oprah?

After a legendary stretch as the television host for aptly named “Oprah Winfrey Show,” the talented and auspicious Oprah Winfrey has decided it’s time to move onto new opportunities. What’s next for the entertainment icon? Here’s a list of potential jobs that could be in her near future.

10 Potential Jobs for Oprah:

  1. Denny’s Manager:OprahJob
    Oprah once ate 7 Moons Over My Hammys in one sitting. She wanted to go for 10, but Tom Cruise started jumping on a couch and distracted her. Now it’s her time to break her record… and manage a Denny’s while doing it. Oprah’s always been a great multitasker.
  2. Clown Fighter:
    If Oprah’s proven anything, it’s that she can do anything. So her defeating clowns in glorious battle is certainly not something I see as being beyond her skill set. And who wouldn’t love watching Oprah deliver the People’s Elbow onto a clown? Clowns have creeped people out for generations and Oprah’s just the person to deliver a little payback in the form of spin kicks and figure four leg locks.
  3. Competitive Eater:
    Oprah would make Johny Chestnut look like a paraplegic mime.
  4. Publishers Clearing House Spokesperson:
    Oprah loves giving away things, so she’d be great at delivering over-sized checks to people. Ed McMahon used to do this, but he was a steaming pile of old. Oprah is young and spry. If anyone could dominate at giving away over-sized checks, it’d be Oprah.
  5. Hollywood Crazy People Wrangler:
    Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Gary Busey, Lindsay Lohan, Peyton Manning; the list of Hollywood crazies goes on and on. Someone needs to get these people under control and I nominate Oprah as the person to do this. New TV network? Lame! Philanthropy? Booooring. Oprah’s time would be much better spent finding random celebrity crazy people, smacking them in the back of the head, then walking away from them, slowly and devoid of emotion. If this action isn’t followed swiftly by a gentle head nod of acknowledgment, then Oprah should order a bear to eat them on the spot. Either way, craziness is cured and some bears are fed.
  6. Dirty Jobs Host:
    I LOVE Mike Rowe and the show “Dirty Jobs,” but Oprah could start a new show called “Even Dirtier Jobs… Like… Wow. You Will Crap Yourself When You See What Some People Will Do For Money” with Oprah Winfrey.
  7. Replace Charlie Sheen on “2 And A Half Men”:
    If anyone personifies “WINNING,” it’s Oprah Fricken Winfrey. She could render Charlie Sheen a quivering pile of goo with her laser vision, so it’s an easy call adding her into the show. I know they said Ashton Kutcher is the new MAN, but Oprah is Oprah. I don’t think replacing him with her would require any explanation beyond “She effing Oprah!!” And just bring her onto the show as Oprah. Don’t even explain it within the show’s storyline. Just have Oprah be Charlie Sheen and don’t even acknowledge that character’s existence. You would have to rename the show “1.5 Men and Oprah” though.
  8. Pancake Tosser:
    If anyone on earth could make money by throwing pancakes at people, it’s Oprah. I know it sounds silly, but I am convinced people would pay her money just to a) watch her throw pancakes at random people or b) have her throw pancakes at them. Either way, she’s earning a living by tossing pancakes.
  9. Team 6 Member:
    Armed within nothing but a butter knife, one comb, a blind poodle, and a Danielle Steele novel, Oprah could be mayor of Mexico within 4 days. She’s ninja, bro.
  10. Host Of The Oprah Winfrey Show:
    Do we really think she can stay away? She’s going to be the Brett Favre of daytime television, minus the penis texts. God, I hope it’s minus the penis texts.

Maybe Oprah’s next job maybe one of those or maybe she’ll do something else. My money is one on of my suggestions, but if I was always on with my predictions, there would’ve been a sequel to Cop and a Half (called 2 Normally Sized Cops) and tacos would be currency.

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