5 Tips To Make Your Royal Wedding Awesome!

Dear Prince William & Catherine Middleton,

Your big day is here, but don’t rest on your laurels and expect it to be great. Go out and make it so! I have some tips to ensure your wedding is 23 and a half flavors of awesome, so read the words I typed and drink deep a heaping helping of awesomeness. You’re welcome, royal people.

Prince William And Catherine Middleton

5 Tips To Make Your Royal Wedding Awesome!

  1. Teach The Queen How To Break Dance
    The queen is old, but also hip (according to Wikipedia). And she would probably shatter her hip break dancing, so it really would be BREAK dancing. So my advice? Fill that woman full of Red Bull, throw down a cardboard square, and see what happens.Wedding1
  2. Real Royal Checkers
    How many times do you get all these royal people in one location, not to mention drunk enough to actually do this? 3 times? Maybe 4 times tops? Seize this opportunity.Wedding2
  3. Theme It Up
    The Royal theme is obvious… cause you’re friggen royalty, but how much more interesting would your wedding be if you all dressed up like ninjas?? “You may now spin-kick the bride” could become the catchphrase for a generation and I’m not the only one who’d love watching the Queen and Prince Charles engage in bow-staff combat mid-ceremony. That’s just a recipe for AWESOME right there.Wedding3
  4. Talking Animals!
    Disney cartoons tell us that all princess and princesses must be surrounded by talking animals, but reality tells us most animals can’t actually talk (save badgers and ponies). We do have enough science though to duct tape speakers to animals, hire a few actors, and simulate talking animals. If but for one day and a huge event (like a wedding!!), why not help the world to believe that animals can talk? Picture a bear, with a speaker duct-taped to his snout, serenading the happy couple with his unique rendition of Chicago’s “Stay The Night,” followed up by an uncomfortably long winded drunken wedding speech, then him slamming down the mic and eating Prince Charles. You’ve just had the greatest wedding ever.Wedding4
  5. Add Cannons
    Nothing says romance like performing nuptials after being shot out of a cannon. Yes, it’s certainly not easy to profess love while engaged in flight, but it’s also not easy being awesome. Go for it, goddammit!! It’s your day!Wedding5

I know these tips are really stupid, but so is everyone’s fascination with your wedding. If you do any of the things I listed above though, I’ll be watching… in sweatpants… while eating a tub of ice cream and/or rubbing a stick of butter on my face. Heck, I might just do that anyway. Now enjoy your big day, you crazy kids. I’ve got a good feeling about you two. Cheers!

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