Winning With The Dean Of Sheen

Winning with the Dean of SheenCharlie Sheen Its OnHello, Middle America. This is the “real” Charlie Sheen. BOOM! So what am I doing between winning and not shooting “2 and a Half Men?” Winning, of course. Duh. That’s what I do, man. It’s like breathing or blinking. These CBS puppeteers try to marionette my ethereal focus strategy into a fiasco funnel cake, but I deflect their mind bullets with a force field constructed by my ideas to prevail exponentially, levitating in the clouds, at the ready for their assault. I’ll conquer their demon fracas though, because I’ve got tiger blood rocketing through my veins, baby. The DNA strands that knit the sweater of me are 100% failure free, so dry clean that sh*t and win, bro. Wear it to a clown bar-mitzvah.

While I am eating the heads of the CBS ants responsible for levitating my triumphant clown puppets via limp dragon pregnancy, I continue to engulf winning into my womb, like an old comb sliding through a dead pirate’s beard, man. I am filled with the purpose of 28 lion hearts that have been deep fried in WIN salad, served with side of WIN fries, man. Minions cry to suckle from the teet of my mischief, starved for a will to win in their own land of blind dwellers. So who am I to deny them a taste of what it takes to win, man? These tips will help you to transcend, but they won’t imbue you with the supernatural chaos I implement every day. I win because I am biologically programmed to dispense victory, while Middle America wallows in its own mediocrity. These tips can’t hurt the cause though. Bring it!

6 Tips For Winning

  1. Win!!
    Winning is the only drug I am on, man. Well, that and “Charlie Sheen,” but that’s been made illegal by an establishment tantalized with fear respect. I’m like lightning wrapped in rocket fuel wrapped in lightning, man. F**k solar power. My entire mansion is powered by the electricity emitted from my nut sack. That’s winning, bro.
  2. Win MORE!!!
    What’s better than ice cream? More ice cream. So double scoop this into your face hole and dragon fist your benevolent heart musket. You can never have too much of a good thing, so I snort win off the toilet seat of your mind biscuit.
  3. I was in Major League 2.
    It’s on! No… it is. You should watch it. I am awesome in this.
  4. Get angry and violently spin kick defeat in the face!
    My passion for anger fuels my lust quagmire, so don’t feed into the demon spew that blankets your pigeon hate. That includes naps. Embrace the hearts of your detractors, then rocket their spider cuspids to the moon. Let them ride on your laser hate. I am a dragon magnet tyrannosaurus cage fighter, devouring cities and crushing the fantasies of my enemies. When I am not winning, I am STILL winning, bro. It’s a perpetual cyclone of endless victories, man.
  5. Make sure you’re putting money into your 401K
    You need to plan for retirement, so make sure you’re contributing at least 15% of your monthly income towards your 401k plan, bro.
  6. Bring it!
    Charlie Sheen Bring It
    I excrete failure from my bowel window. I fire failure out of my body like deer tears. There’s no room for that detrimental win antidepressant in my ecosystem of winning. All I do is win and chew bubble gum… and I am all out of bubble gum, bro.

The conglomerate of disdain will only foster failure, so don’t buy into that wicker tent, man. I win. That’s what I do. And although I am ready to let bygones be bygones and help these CBS clowns diagram more wins, I will violently explode their clavicle chain with my venom spewed biscuit salesman. I am a dragon fueled samurai dispenser, attacking a village of spider monkeys. But I am ready to get back on this CBS train tomorrow, man, because the world needs more episodes of “2 and a Half Men.” So be like me and WIN! Follow this biblical trajectory towards an ethereal mindset that will have you levitating cars, devouring wolf inconvenience, and winning on a level that transcends owl goals. Tiger blood and Adonis DNA, baby. Drink it and defecate on defeat.

Sheen, out. BOOM!

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